So it’s now around 5 weeks since we were told the news about Oliver. The first week and half from when we found out was the hardest time, so we decided to have a weekend away in a lovely cottage in Bath to come to terms with the devastating news. Having Oliver’s leg taken away is something we don’t have a choice in, something we have to accept, his leg has turned against him and for Oliver to live his life to the full, this needs to happen. I don’t know if there is any right way to be dealing with this kind of situation, we all deal with things differently.
I understand this needs to happen so Oliver can make his dreams come true whatever they may be in life. Just because we have to ‘deal’ with something traumatic doesn’t mean it doesn’t cause us terrible pain, it doesn’t stop us from spending endless nights crying or wishing it wasn’t happening. I ask myself every day, why my little boy? He’s not done anything wrong, but these horrible things happen all of the time to innocent children and adults.
It’s the 22nd March, Oliver’s birthday and two days ago we were told the tumor they had taken out behind his leg knee has grown back. This means amputation needs to be mid-thigh. They don’t know how far up and it is more than likely he will need another MRI next month to check. I don’t know what to say, I feel like I have words, my heart hurts, what can I do? WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP MY BABY? I don’t know how to feel anymore, I don’t know how I can get through this. It’s a total rollercoaster of emotions. Even though it wasn’t what we wanted to hear I somehow feel a sense of relief knowing that this horrible tumor will be removed from my child’s leg he can start his new life, a life that was already planned for him.
I don’t know where I am going to find the strength. I’m supposed to be celebrating the first year of my baby’s life and I’m sat upstairs pouring my heart out because this pain hurts so much. Everyone is asking what we are doing for his 1st birthday; the truth of the matter is we are crumbling, as it doesn’t feel a time for celebration. I can’t even give him the birthday I wanted because the emotions are just taking over. My parents have been the most supportive people in the world I can’t thank them enough, my mum is just a lady of great strength and I admire her, she gets me through the hardest of times and I count my blessings every day for her being in my life.
We visited the limb centre in Manchester at the beginning of this month. Lets just say I came out feeling so overwhelmed. Walking through those double doors and seeing so many people with lost limbs knowing this is happening to my baby. I don’t know where I found the strength to sit there. I look back at myself two years ago and I feel like a completely different person. My perspective and outlook on life is totally different, the trivial things I used to worry about, how could I feel any different though, I’d not experienced anything so traumatic or life changing.
My mum repeatedly says to me ‘Hayley, you were chosen to bring Oliver into this world and give him the best possible future, God knows you have the strength within you to bring Oliver up and give him everything he needs.’ Don’t get me wrong I will do everything in my power but sometimes I just wonder why these awful things happen to innocent people, to innocent children.